The SpamGoblin Story
A Little Bit Of SpamGoblin Humor
My name is Brian Oakes. My wife Brandi and I are the Goblin keepers, the SpamGoblin. What is a SpamGoblin? Well back in the days of old, there was a mythical creature called SpamGoblin-O-Lefty-Viscous. I think it’s Latin or something along those lines. Legend says the SpamGoblin had special magical powers that gave them the ability to sort and make decisions and they were always hungry. From what I was told SpamGoblins fed on random garbage all the time.
So, one day my wife and I were out walking and overall just feeling down on our luck when we were approached by an older couple. We heard them saying something the closer we walked. It sounded like, “Don’t feed the goblin, don’t feed the goblin.” It was like one of those scenes in a scary movie. You know the kind where you hear this far off voice and you can’t seem to make it out? Fortunately we did.
But we were still not sure what they were talking about at that point and as we got closer we heard grunting and burping but didn’t know where it was coming from. Later I learned the noise was coming from a SpamGoblin only we just didn’t know it yet.
The old couple handed me a key. Foolishly, I grabbed it. It reminded me of the many times my parents told me to never take things from strangers. I didn’t listen of course. As soon as I grabbed the key the couple started hooting and hollering around saying; “We’re free! We’re free!” I was sure they were from the nut house or something. I asked my wife, “What do you think they mean?” She didn’t know. But what we didn’t know was our lives were about to change.
I should have figured it out when it felt like someone was following us home. We quickly found out that we were being following by a live SpamGoblin-o-li… or whatever they are called. There were two, three, found etc. I mean you would think someone was feeding them after midnight or something. SpamGoblins kept increasing and soon there were more and more and more popping up all over the place. There were SpamGoblin’s as far as the eye can see and now that we are the SpamGoblin keepers; what do we do with them?
Well to make a long story short, we finally figured out how to control the SpamGoblins. It was simple, we would feed them. After some trial and error we figured out it didn’t matter what they ate, just as long as they were eating. So after a bit of brain storming, we discovered that all we needed was an endless supply of food. We looked around, and had an eureka moment, I mean literally the light bulb went off… Emails that contained spam and viruses. If you are reading this then you know there is an endless amount of “junk email” floating around the Internet. We figured we could feed them forever and that is what we did. We trained SpamGoblins to eat and eat and eat. Now all we have to do is throw them spam and viruses 24 hrs a day and we can continue to harness the power of the SpamGoblin. All stories have a happy ending!
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I was born at an early age like everyone else and haven’t been abducted by Aliens that I can remember anyways. I’m the son of a coal miner, who dabbled in the paper clip business. Nah, that’s not true either. So what should I say about me. I graduated high school early, and started working in the computer industry where after a various assortment of positions. After 20 years of workin’ for the Man! I have semi retired, and now work part time for another man, just in a smaller capacity. SpamGoblin has always been my pet project, the side project that is enjoyable to work. It’s a culmination of testing and ideas, and processes that make SpamGoblin what is it.
I have been married for 15 years so my lovely better half, and we have 2 children and 2 fur babies. We enjoy spending time together and planning the next adventure. I spend all my free time in New Mexico working some old gold claims I have accumulated over the years. Ya never know what’s on the other side of the rock, so keep digging.
Brandi is Queen of the SpamGoblins and rules over her land with an iron fist. All jokes aside, Brandi has provided SpamGoblin with direct insight and guidance since its inception. Her technical understanding of email software has greatly assisted in the advancement of the company.
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